I just returned from Easton Mountain where I took part in Single Men’s Weekend, which was an opportunity to reflect upon the state of being single, how I am with that, and what I need to do differently if I want to change that situation. As many if you know, I’ve been single for five years and am in a pretty good place as far as bring happy with myself and what I want in my life. This weekend did give me the chance to look at how I’m being in the world and if that’s serving me in the long run.
Here are a bunch of reflections that I’ve had since coming back:
- Too often we think of a date as a Big Fat Hairy Deal. We could just use it as another opportunity to have a good time and not put so much pressure on yourselves to see if this is “the One”.
- I need to practice dating like I need to practice meditation or playing the hammered dulcimer. I’m not expecting to get it right all the time. I’m going to make mistakes. Plan for those.
- You need to compromise in a relationship, but you shouldn’t compromise yourself.
- You need to bring all of you into a relationship. Otherwise you will be giving incomplete information to your potential mate, and he won’t be able to make a good decision if you’re not being truthful about yourself, and you’ll feel nervous about being “found out”.
- Ask for what you want, but don’t “spook the sheep” by unleashing it all at once. This assumes you know what you want first.
- I’m just as busy as everyone else in this culture. Am I using my busyness to keep me closed off from openings to be with a potential partner because “I don’t have the time” ?
The parallels between dating and job search should be obvious, but if it isn’t, substitute the word ‘job’ for ‘partner’ or ‘date’ in the above thoughts.
So, where are you keeping yourself from a relationship, whether work or romantic?
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Dating and the job search are uncannily alike. It is the process of gradually revealing the authentic you to someone else while remaining open and curious about them as well. We do tend to want to get the other person to say “i want you” first, instead of just entering into conversation. I’m learning to take initiative, risk being a fool, and mostly just being brave while giving the other person or organization a chance to be its best self with me. It’s a tender dance, it is a muscle, and the results are beautiful. Engage in developing your dating and interviewing “practice,” the way you’d approach a workout or yoga practice. Yes, breathe.
I agree completely Karl, and you have stated it so much more poetically than I did. I’m in awe!